Archives for Collaborative Divorce

Would You Like to Learn More About Mediated Divorce or Collaborative Divorce?

Divorce mediation and collaborative divorce are options for people who want to avoid courtroom battle, but who at the same time don’t want to cut corners on thoroughness or fairness. 

Mediated divorce, in general, costs significantly less than the cost of a litigated divorce.  How much?  Rumor is  that it’s somewhere in the range of 10 – 20% the cost of litigation.   Collaborative divorce costs roughly half the cost of litigation.  But while this cannot be guaranteed in any given case,  the primary goal of mediation isn’t to save money.  

Read More

What’s Wrong With Old School, Litigated Divorce?

Well, nothing. Nothing, that is, if you really want to bankrupt yourself, make enemies with the other parent of your children, and spend the rest of your life thinking about how you got shafted in your divorce.   Does this ending sound all too familiar?  If you haven’t heard this ending before, you haven’t talked with very many divorced people.  It’s not hard to find people who have been through horrific, painful divorces. Read More

Protected: More About Divorce Options in South Carolina

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Protected: What Are My Divorce Options in South Carolina?

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Collaborative Divorce: Invest in Family Solutions Rather Than Conflict

Are you considering divorce?  If so, I hope this article will give you pause to think of the many different ways you could proceed, in order to obtain your objective.  While every divorce will require some sort of court action to get the divorce finalized, not every divorce requires that you engage in litigation.

Imagine if you went to a doctor and they prescribed the same treatment that would have been prescribed in 1910, without considering any newer methods of treatment that might work better.  Would you just take that doctor’s advice, or would you seek a second opinion?  In my view, an attorney who sets every client up for a litigated divorce is like that doctor.

In 1910, there was no such thing as a “no fault” divorce.  To get a divorce, a party would have to prove some evil or despicable act on the part of their spouse, such as adultery or habitual drunkenness or spousal abuse.  The adversarial system of divorce was set up in this environment:  one party would go to court to prove that the other was bad and convince the judge to grant a divorce based on that evil.  The party at fault would also be punished in some way, such as by forfeiting alimony or losing custody of their children.  The parties employed attorneys who were like gladiators, fighting on their behalf to prove their case to the judge, who would make a decision about who “won” the case.

There are still divorcing couples, and attorneys, who think in terms of this paradigm.  In some cases, the parties are angry, bitter, seek revenge, and want to fight.  They would rather spend their last dime on lawyers than see any dimes go to their former spouse.  The model of litigated divorce will ensure that these parties get what they want, with plenty of pain and bitterness to share.  In many other cases, however, divorcing spouses seek merely to disengage from the marriage in a way that is fair to everyone.

How can people obtain a divorce without all the fighting?  Some people just decide to “call it quits”.  They don’t use any helping professionals at all.  Others may employ just one attorney to draft up their agreement and file the paperwork with the court to get their divorce.   Sometimes, there is also the challenge that parties cannot agree on terms.  So, some couples use a mediator to help them negotiate and then draft a separation or divorce agreement.

These solutions all help ensure that divorcing parties remain relatively amicable, but there is still the underlying issue of fairness.  Some attorneys who advocate litigated divorces argue that it is the only way to ensure that everyone gets what they deserve.  And truly, fairness is a deep concern.  Going to court is not the only way to ensure fairness, however.

Certainly, divorce is complicated and has serious legal ramifications.  Mistakes regarding alimony, pensions, child support, or health insurance can be very costly and difficult to fix.  How does one ensure that a divorce, a very serious legal matter, is fair to everyone and leaves them in the best situation possible, given the circumstances? One good way is by using a team of collaborating professionals to guide the parties through this challenging process.

The collaborative model of divorce enables parties to separate (and divorce) in a way that feels fair, avoids wounding each other any more than necessary, enables them to continue work together and to parent their children as a team, and leaves each with financial and emotional resources to deal with the challenges of single life ahead.  I believe so strongly in the collaborative practice model of divorce that it is the only one I will use.  I am willing to mediate divorces, but only if the couple agrees ahead of time to consult with professionals as needed to ensure that their divorce agreement is as good as it can be.

When I did my IACP training in the collaborative model of divorce, the trainer used the example of a pit crew to teach how collaborative divorce works.  Imagine a picture of a race car that has pulled into a pit stop. While the car is stopped, one member of the pit crew changes the tire; another changes the windshield wipers; and a third one changes the oil. The goal is to restore the car to great condition and get it back on the road as fast as possible. In the view of collaborative practitioners, the family during a divorce is like that car.  Professionals are like members of the pit crew.  Each professional has a discrete function that helps the family.  Just like that pit crew, the collaborative professionals work as a team (all neutral), with just one goal: to get the family back on the road again and in good condition.

Each family, and each divorce, is unique.  It may be that a team of professionals will not be needed.  Some couples are able to reach agreement on all issues without help, and others may only need help with one or two aspects of their divorce.  But in situations where outside experts would be helpful, the collaborative practice team can include child specialists (who can help develop a parenting plan), financial specialists (who can help with budgeting and support issues), divorce coaches (who can help with emotional adjustment), tax attorneys, even career counselors (who can help spouses who need a change of career direction to increase earning capacity).

When services of these professionals are utilized, those services benefit the family permanently:  A good parenting plan will make visitation and custody arrangements run smoothly for years. A good financial plan will help ensure the fiscal integrity of each spouse. A good divorce coach will get the divorcing parties through the emotionally bumpy parts. A good career planner will get a displaced homemaker back on her feet faster. By solving things right the first time, in a way that is healthy and healing for everyone, the family puts its money into resources and solutions that will benefit the family for years.

Divorce professionals should help parties untangle their lives in ways that enable them to move on, and in the best position possible.

What is the role of attorneys in a collaborative divorce?  In many cases of collaborative divorce, each spouse is represented by an attorney.  The two attorneys guide negotiations and decide among themselves what experts are needed.  Each attorney acts as an advocate for his or her client in negotiations.  A mediator is called in only if the two attorneys or their clients fail to agree on issues.  This model works well, especially when there is some reason for a spouse to need more protection, for instance in complex cases or where challenging issues are involved.

In other cases, the spouses may choose to share a mediator and negotiate on their own.  In the scenario of a mediated, collaborative divorce, the mediator guides the discussion and enables the parties to reach their own settlement without attorneys directing the negotiations.  This does not mean that attorneys have no role whatsoever.  Rather, the attorneys become more like consultants who are asked for advice now and then, or to review the overall agreement after the conclusion of negotiations.  At the conclusion of a mediated, collaborative divorce process, the parties may get their divorce finalized in court by themselves, or they may engage a single attorney to walk them through the process.

In either scenario, the professionals in a collaborative divorce are all, 100% committed to getting the family through the divorce in a way that avoids going to war.  The most tangible evidence of this commitment is the agreement that each collaborative professional makes:  (1) to act as a neutral, (2) to share information, and (3) to withdraw completely from the case if either party pursues litigation.  These ground rules ensure that each professional (and each party) is “on board” with the agreement to be fair and to work through issues in a way that keeps the spouses in control and out of court.

I am sold on the value that these professionals add.  The collaborative approach to divorce is also cost effective.  It is not “cheap” in the sense of paying a lower fee for professional services or because a family is cutting corners on quality.  The reason it costs less is because it works better.  The collaborative model reduces conflict, keeps the family on track toward the goal of resolving issues fairly, and provides services that will benefit the family for the long haul.  Instead of paying two lawyers to battle in court over legal positions (with conflict escalating as the parties position themselves into battle mode), the spouses put their precious family resources into services that actually improve their situation.  That, in my opinion, is a wise investment.

Links to Divorce Resources


  • A slide show comparing divorce options, click HERE
  • An article about cost of litigated divorce, click HERE


  • My article about collaborative divorce, click HERE
  • Link to International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP), click HERE


  • My short list, Advantages of Mediation, click HERE
  • My longer article about Mediation, click HERE
  • A video explaining about mediated divorce, click HERE
  • Divorce mediation checklist for issues and documents you will need, click HERE
  • Search for articles about divorce mediation on the excellent site, click HERE
  • Link to resources on web site of Association of Conflict Resolution (ACR), click HERE


  • Brochure about co-parenting after divorce, click HERE
  • Two articles about effect of high conflict divorce on children, click HERE or HERE
  • Internet resource for helping parents work together to develop a parenting plan:  UpToParents
  • Sixty-eight page resource for developing a parenting plan, published by State of Arizona, click HERE
  • Scheduling "wizard" for coordination of parenting issues such as schedules, school records, medical records, etc., click HERE


  • IRS Publication 504, guide to taxes for divorcing parties, click HERE
  • Documents you will need to change after divorce, click HERE
  • Do-It-Yourself Divorce: South Carolina forms for self represented litigants, click HERE


    Collaborative Divorce

    Are you considering divorce?  If you are, I’m very sorry that you are facing this decision.  You are not alone, however.  A large percentage of marriages do, in fact, end in divorce.  Reality being what it is, I would like in this article to discuss the benefits of collaborative divorce.  I believe that collaborative divorce is among the best options for ensuring that everyone in the family lands on their feet and recovers as quickly as possible.  You can also learn more about collaborative divorce at the web site of the International Academy of Collaborative Practitioners (IACP).

    When you married, most likely you never expected it would end in divorce.  The end of a marriage is like a death.  No matter when or how it happens, you are never quite as prepared emotionally as you would wish.  For some people, it is worse than others.  Brace yourself, because you may experience an emotional roller coaster as you engage in the divorce process.  Some of your feelings, and the power of those feelings, may surprise or overwhelm you:  not just anger, disbelief, or sadness, but also relief and happiness, and sometimes all of the above!   These feelings are natural.  A person going through divorce experiences a grieving process similar to the grieving process one goes through at any other time of loss.  The loss from divorce is not just a change of living circumstances, but also of hopes and dreams for your future and for that of your children and family.  (For some articles discussing feelings of grief related to divorce, click HERE or HERE.)

    Fortunately, life does go on.  While you can expect for all parties (including your children) to be changed and affected by divorce, there are ways to minimize the harm.  Chief among the things you can do to minimize the harm is to set aside anger, desire for revenge, and dwelling on the past.  Assuming that you have tried your best to make the marriage work, if you’ve decided to end it then it is now time to shift your focus to getting yourself, your children, and yes even your ex-spouse moving forward toward a new, separate life.  Once the decision has been made to end the marriage, the sooner you can put that ending behind you and move to a new beginning, the better.

    Yes, I can tell you good news:  there is hope for a happy ending.  However, to get there may involve breaking the traditional mold.  The model for a traditional divorce is not one of happy endings.  Rather, the traditional model for divorce is that of a battlefield.  In this battle, each of you is represented by a gladiator (attorney) who engages in combat on your behalf to prove that one side is good and the other is evil.  Then, after all the evidence has come to light, a neutral party (the judge) decides who is right or wrong and renders judgment.  In this model, neither party is concerned with what happens to the “other side” – to show concern is to expose a soft underbelly of weakness.  This courtroom drama, adversarial model relies heavily on taking positions, posturing, getting ready for battle, ambushing your “opponent,” and spending resources to convince some outsider (the judge) of the merits of your case so that they will rule in your favor. Collaborative divorce, in contrast, is an entirely different paradigm.

    The philosophy of a non-adversarial divorce (whether a collaborative divorce or a mediated divorce) is that the best approach to separating your lives is not to engage in a battle that leaves your spouse – a person you once loved enough to marry – as a casualty on a battlefield.  Parties who choose collaborative divorce recognize that sometimes tragedies do happen.  Parties to collaborative divorce have made a decision to separate, they recognize that sometimes it’s not a matter of good versus evil in the other person.  Rather than seeking to find fault or cast blame, they are committed to moving forward in a way that enables both of them to land on their feet and continue to work as a team in their parenting relationship.  It is better for children, as well, when parents continue to work together and act as a team rather than fighting with each other.  (Numerous studies document the negative effect on children of high conflict divorces.  For examples, click HERE or HERE.)  The goal of collaborative divorce is to enable all members of the family – husband, wife, and children — to get back on their feet and to enable them to keep moving forward with their lives with as little trauma as possible.

    Because of its unique nature, collaborative divorce can only be considered at the very beginning of the process, before parties have taken steps toward traditional, adversarial divorce litigation. Once positions have been staked out through filing of adversarial divorce papers in court, it’s too late to engage in a non-adversarial, collaborative divorce process.  If you are in the “considering” or “pondering” stage of wondering what to do now that you’ve decided to divorce, I’m so glad you found this page!  I hope that you will seriously consider the benefits of the collaborative model of divorce.

    The distinctive tone of a collaborative divorce is set by the fact that both parties considering a collaborative divorce must agree ahead of time that they will negotiate a settlement outside of court. In other words, for you to have a collaborative divorce, you must agree not to go to court. If the parties don’t do this, it’s not a collaborative divorce.

    This does not mean that either of you gives up your rights. Each of you still has your own lawyer who represents you zealously.  The main difference is that the two divorcing people – those most directly affected by the long term outcome of the divorce – remain in complete control of their own case instead of handing the decision over to a judge.  The two of you, with help from your attorneys, negotiate and reach a settlement. While every attorney will attempt a negotiated settlement, to some degree, the difference is the degree of commitment. In a collaborative divorce, all the eggs go into the basket of reaching a fair, lasting, comprehensive settlement that suits the two of you, keeping you in control of your fate instead of placing it into the hands of the court.

    Because parties to collaborative divorce put all their eggs in the basket of reaching their own agreement, dispensing with the judge, there is no need to convince some other person of the merits of one’s own case. You and your ex-spouse are no longer opponents on a battlefield but rather merely two people who need to disentangle your lives with as little trauma and damage to everyone as possible. The goal is no longer to ambush or do battle with the other person, but to move on, to heal, and to develop solutions that work for everyone. Instead of spending thousands of dollars on discovery and depositions and posturing for the court, you focus your resources on finding the best way forward for everyone in a way that works to keep everyone as intact as possible.

    In collaborative divorce, the parties agree to cooperate to the extent of committing to full disclosure, to an effort to be fair to one another, and to avoiding court. When the going gets rough – when parties need help to decide on issues or when they fail to agree — their collaboratively trained attorneys pull in professionals from other disciplines for advice and guidance.  DSCN1598

    For example: A child specialist might consult with the family and make recommendations about custody and visitation. A financial expert might be called in to evaluate the family financial situation and make suggestions about dividing assets and ongoing financial arrangements. A divorce coach might be helpful for a few sessions, to assist a spouse who might have difficulty coping with feelings of anger or rejection.  If one spouse is a displaced homemaker or has a much lower income, the parties may invest in some career counseling designed to help that person get back on their feet financially.  Each of these professionals is available to be part of the collaborative team, which communicates with each other and helps the family through the divorce transition. The analogy often used is to a race car which pulls into a pit: the team of professionals takes care of all the family’s needs at once and helps get the car back on the road as quickly as possible, in as good a condition as possible.

    In my opinion, collaborative divorce is the Rolls Royce of divorce options. It gives both of you the full benefit of a zealous advocate as your counsel. It also enables you to utilize the resources of professionals who can truly help get things sorted out in the best way possible, leading to faster healing from this trauma. And it also lets you avoid the tens of thousands of dollars that come with the turf of a litigated divorce. Seriously! Litigated divorces are that expensive!  (For a more detailed article about the cost of divorce, click HERE.)  I’ve read that a typical, litigated divorce involving property disputes and battles over children costs somewhere between $20,000 and $40,000. A collaborative divorce typically costs between $7,000 and 10,000. “Why is there such a difference in cost,” you might ask?

    At the outset, the cost may appear the same. The attorneys, the professionals, all charge the same hourly rate no matter what type of divorce you pursue. The difference is the number of hours — what must be done to “prove” one’s case and “protect” one’s interest and force the other side to comply with discovery in an adversarial divorce. The posturing, positioning, and proving involved in litigation escalates conflict, polarizes the parties and forces everyone to build walls and fight battles instead of coming to agreement. In collaborative divorce, you skip this nastiness. You share experts, share information, and there is no posturing for court. So even though you may use the same professionals as you would in a litigated divorce, you eliminate the court costs, eliminate double fees, and eliminate the added attorney hours that come with escalation of conflict.

    There is a “catch” to collaborative divorce, however. This “catch” is necessary to give both parties assurance that each of you is negotiating in good faith.  And here’s what it is:

    How can you be sure that the “other side” is fully committed to the collaborative process? It would be a “worst case scenario,” in the legal sense, if one person used the full disclosure inherent in the collaborative divorce process to learn everything about the other person’s case and then went to court and used all of that to pummel the other person in a courtroom battle. For this reason, the “catch” of collaborative divorce is that it requires a 100% commitment to the process, on the part of all parties and professionals. No one is allowed to play the game with their fingers crossed behind their back, so to speak. To prevent the possibility of one party double-crossing the other, the rule in collaborative divorce is that if one party withdraws and decides to go to court, all attorneys and professionals involved up to that point must withdraw. If one person withdraws, both parties must start over with new professionals, and none of the collaborative professionals may testify in the new proceeding.  The purpose of this rule is to ensure total commitment to the process.  Withdrawal does happen, but only rarely – less than 5% of the time.  Most parties who engage in collaborative divorce end up being quite satisfied with it.

    Be aware that some attorneys will claim to offer a collaborative divorce, but in fact they are neither trained and certified, and this also means they’re not absolutely committed to the “no court” rule.   An attorney who is trained and certified, in contrast, has demonstrated their deep commitment to helping clients get through divorce with as little harm as possible, to assisting you in moving ahead with your new lives in as healed and whole position as we can help achieve. For a true collaborative divorce, you must seek out and utilize a collaborative practitioner.


    How can you find a collaborative divorce practitioner?  The IACP has a link on their web site, HERE, which will enable you to find a certified collaborative divorce practitioner.

    In conclusion, I’m sorry that your marriage may be ending and that you are investigating options for divorce.  However, it’s my experience that healing and hope are possible.  Divorce need not leave you or your spouse as a casualty on the battlefield of a protracted courtroom battle.  By making wise choices, you can separate your lives without undue damage to you, your spouse, or your children, and you can both continue to work as a team to parent your children.  Life will go on!  The choice is up to you:  will you move forward in a way that is healing, or will you move forward in a way that slings mud from past anger and hurt.  I hope you will consider collaborative divorce seriously as you ponder your many options.

    The Price For A Divorce

    The first thing I’d advise someone seeking a divorce is to consider, “how you will pay for it?”  In addition to calculating how to run two households on a budget that has previously been used to run one household, another question relevant to the immediate question of divorce is, “How will you pay the attorney’s fees for the divorce?” Reducing the initial outlay of cost is one significant reason to choose mediation in your divorce case. Read More

    %d bloggers like this: